In a super top secret meeting that took place in Brussels back in June, Jude Law was named as Libya’s most dangerous people smuggler. HMS Diamond has been dispatched by the British Navy to join a UN flotilla already searching for the horribly wooden Cockney actor.law

The Queen is delighted at the news that modern life is killing children. Upon hearing the news she decided to celebrate by wearing her ugliest hat.

In Sport, Lewis Hamilton controversially insists that The Sunday Telegraph is actually only No. 2 for sport.queen

In a shock move that has been greeted by all warm blooded females and Katie Hopkins, all GP front desk staff are to be replaced with Poldark lookalikes. It is hoped that the move will encourage more women to seek medical advice when needed. Dr. Hilary Jones has, however, predicted a rise in exploding ovaries.

Also in this Sunday’s edition, a 24-page recipe magazine giving you many useful tips on how best to prepare a delicious Mary Berry.poldark

British PM Teresa May is at the centre of a potential international crisis this morning, after it was revealed that she attempted to get a table at Mayfair’s Hakkasan Chinese restaurant by posing as Nicola Sturgeon. After successfully gaining entrance to the swanky restaurant by wearing a Mission Impossible style Sturgeon face mask, security staff were alerted when she failed to do a convincing accent.

‘I’m shit at Irish accents’ she told The Sunday Times. ‘She’s what? Scottish? Bollocks.’may

Get monthly highlights in your inbox