England’s opening match of the World Cup campaign was as dull as ditchwater proving that the news of Joe Hart’s transfer from Man City to Torino on loan isn’t because of his love of pasta.

You can’t blame new manager Big Sam Allerdyce, how can he inject enthusiasm and belief into a squad that plays as a group of individuals? I’ve had nits that worked better as a team.

The England team played fluid football, like a nasty bout of diarrhoea, running messily with little substance until you’re just desperate for it to stop. A few painful spasms towards the end which leave you sweating and wondering what you’ve done to deserve this torture and then the final spurt just when you’re ready to collapse on the floor, sucking your thumb and crying for your mummy.

The only difference between this England squad and a dose of the shits is that the pain in the arse associated with Rooney & Co generally lasts for at least 90 minutes.

As far as action is concerned, the first half dribbled by without troubling the notebook. Martin Skrtel’s sending off in the second half raised the hope that England might actually manage to create some opportunities against an equally uninspiring Slovakia but it made no difference to what became a very long afternoon in Trnava. It was a blessing that Slovakia couldn’t get themselves together enough to trouble Hart between the posts as he gave a perfect example of why he hasn’t been starting for his club and has left for Italy in the last gasps of the Autumn transfer window.

Theo Walcott did find the back of the net in the 90th minute but the goal was ruled offside. The referee was now so bored that he seemed to forget that there were only four minutes of stoppage time to play and, in the 95th minute, Adam Llalana managed to roll the ball over the goal line. The ball was moving so slowly that my grandmother could have saved it and she’s been dead for nearly 30 years so how the Slovakian goalie missed it I have no idea.

Of course the goal prompted celebrations to rival a major championship win rather than a last gasp effort against a ten man side that barely turned up but at the end of the day it’s a game of two halves and the ball did indeed end up in the back of the net.

Well done England. Dependable as ever. This match will be remembered as a win when in fact it was a wet fart that you managed to get away with without anybody noticing.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox