Sheep botherer and delusional king hopeful Prince Charles is outraged at being classed as obese.
‘I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about the bloody NHS’ he told us ‘I can afford Bupa. I’m minted. But i’m not a fatty though. I’m just big-boned…’
As it’s revealed that Poldark actor and smouldering shirtless wonder Aiden Turner is dating a mystery girl, Cliff Richard insists he isn’t bothered.
‘Well yes, i thought we’d be together for ever. He’s my real life living doll. But i just want him to be happy. If that skank makes him happy then so be it. I won’t let this new hell break me!’
Also, Sir Cliff is still not a nonce.
Nick Clegg proves how out of touch with reality he is by suggesting Church of England bishops are poor.
‘Church of England bishops are poor’ he suggested ‘They are the straightest people you’ll ever meet though. He’s what? Gay? Preposterous!’
Ridiculously beautiful Welsh television presenter Alex Jones vows to bulldoze The Calais Jungle.
‘I shall raze that disease ridden shanty town to the ground! she told me, over breakfast this morning ‘Those migrants won’t know what’s hit them. They’ll never see me coming. I shall burn it to the ground and salt the earth so nothing ever grows there again! Pass the croissants will you my lovely.’
Also, free pens are now only 10p.