There were angry scenes in the first class carriage of the 9:15 to Birmingham today after a Rochdale Herald editor was served tea in a paper cup.

“I get that it’s not the Orient fucking Express.” An incandescent Quentin Q Fortesqueue told us “But they didn’t give me a saucer. A paper cup! They didn’t even give me a spoon to stir it with just a recycled lollipop stick. Don’t they know who I am?”

Admittedly Quentin did have a whole seat to himself.

“Seat? I had a whole carriage. What’s this Jeremy chap bleating on about? It’s only a hundred quid, he makes £140,000 and wants to run the country. You get a whole carriage, free intermittent wifi and two bored servants who have no food to serve you. Well they have some old sandwiches, apparently the lobster Thermidor is off.”

“Forget Brexit. Britain has forgotten what the words First Class, Top Notch, First Rate and Cracking mean. I bet the seats recline in a First Class carriage in North Korea.”

We honestly don’t know how to respond to that Quentin.

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