Charlotte Dujardin became the second woman to win three Olympic gold medals today when she came first in the “Horse Dancing” contest this afternoon. A “close personal friend” of cyclist Laura Trott, who became the first woman to win three Olympic medals yesterday, is understood to have reported Trott’s reaction to the news as “Didn’t even give me 24 hours of glory. Bitch.”

With Max Whitlock taking gold medal in the “rhythmic mincing” last night and beating team mate Louis (pronounced Lewis for some reason only known to his mother) Smith, who only managed to take second place in the falling off competition let alone the real “mucking around on an uncomfortable looking bench” race, I had assumed the gymnastics were finally finished and we could get on with the business of running and jumping and throwing stuff. It is with great dismay, therefore, that I have to report that they are still jumping over / balancing on things here in Rio. No British athletes appear to be involved so it doesn’t matter and we can ignore it.

In other news today, former “ballerina” Sophie Hitchon threw a lifetime best to take bronze in the “hammer throwing” competition. My mum used to be a ballerina and she can only just throw a steak pie across the pub car park so well done to Sophie, top chucking.

With the track and field events finished for today and a possible medal for Mark Cavendish in the Men’s Omnium (I know, I think it’s a bizarre name too) and old Trotters going well in the Women’s version your intrepid reporter is off to the Copacabana beach club to watch it on the big screen TV with a girl called Lola. She was a showgirl apparently, what could go wrong?

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