In a speech today Labour leadership candidate Owen Smith has revealed that bears have secret plans to defecate in the woods.

In a hustings earlier he said “Under the Conservative government, the instances of bears using the woods to do their business in has risen 0.5%.  This is nothing but crapping by stealth.”

Conservative health minister Jeremy Cunt immediately hit back saying that under the previous labour administration, incidences of ursine defecation in forestry were far higher.

Mr Smith then went on to warn that under his opponent Jeremy Corbyn, hordes of communist bears would be allowed to use the facilities of any home in the country, rather than woods. Also that the Pope was leader of a major religious denomination which counted the totally misunderstood Tony Blair among it’s followers. 

The Herald contacted entirely fictional detective Sherlock Holmes for comment, but he was having issues with constipation. 

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High mistress of the underworld, destroyer of souls, collector of small pottery cats. Also one of the country's premier frock enthusiasts.