In another extraordinary turn of events in Australian, “She’ll be right mate” politics, opposition leader, William Shortcake has been ridiculed in a Parliamentary Inquiry with an ironic twist.

 Mr Shortcake demanded a Parliamentary Inquiry in response to the allegations of asylum seeker abuse on the island of Nauru and the Government’s other gulag, Manus Island.

 Although members of his own Party tried to talk him out of it, Mr Shortcake’s resolve was strong, declaring a Parliamentary Inquiry essential to put this matter to bed, once and for all.

 “No doubt the Government will try to make a fool of me just like they did when I recommended a Royal Commission. This time though, I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve. While everyone’s busy fighting as usual over who should lead the Inquiry, I’ll be investigating the legality of a Parliamentary Inquiry into Parliamentary Inquiries,” together with a Royal Commission into Royal Commissions.”

 Lauren Pokes, the Rochdale Herald’s Australian correspondent, was given an exclusive interview with Mr Shortcake.

 “I’m even thinking about a Royal Commission into Parliamentary Inquiries, followed up by a Parliamentary Inquiry into Royal Commissions.”

 Lauren asked what purpose this will serve the Australian public?

 “It’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s a distraction.”

 “A distraction from what exactly?” asked our roving reporter.

 “Well, as soon as I mention the words Royal Commission or Parliamentary Inquiry, Herr Turncoat starts picking on me, claiming our policies are identical to theirs. So I thought I’d shut him up by pushing for a Parliamentary Inquiry into the allegations of abuse by those damned whiny illegals on Nauru and Manus. I want to prove once and for all that our policy in regard to those pesky boat foreigners is completely different to theirs.”

 “In what ways does it differ? Your Party stated that you also stand behind detention and offshore processing.”

 “You’ve got it all wrong, Lauren. We clearly stated our policy just before the election and we made it abundantly clear that we will continue offshore detention and processing, BUT, we will monitor it more carefully.”

 “And what about the Government’s Turn back the Boats policy? Do you support that as well?”

 “Er, well we do support that one too, but there is a world of difference. We will only turn back the boats when it’s safe to do so.”

 “And how exactly will that be determined?”

 “Oh for Heaven’s sake, Lauren, that’s the job of the monitors.”

 After several tantrums, Mr Shortcake was granted his wish and the Parliamentary Inquiry, chaired by former Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, released its findings in record time.

 It has been officially declared Mr Shortcake nuttier than a fruitcake.

 

 

 

 

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.