Lord Rothermere is expected to file for bankruptcy on Monday after the last of his Daily Mail readers died of apoplexy following the 10,000m Olympic final last night.

Ambulances services, already stretched to breaking point, collapsed utterly and completely under the weight of calls from nursing homes reporting old ladies foaming at the mouth and fitting on the floor after discovering that a black Muslim from Somalia had won the 10,000m Gold medal for Britain in sensational fashion.

Mo recovered from a fall early in the race to storm home in historic fashion. 

“We’re not sure if it was the fact that Mo is an immigrant that killed 125,000 pensioners this morning or the fact that the paper had something nice to say about a Muslim.” Said a spokesman for the Department of Health.

“It could have been much worse, if they had chosen to put Farah, who is now the greatest British Track Athlete in history with 3 Olympic Golds, as opposed to a photo of Laura Trot on the cover. She is much prettier to be fair. If they hadn’t, and Express readers had seen it, well it doesn’t bear thinking about.”

Mo now has more medals than Gabriele Haile Selassie.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.