The rest of the UK today approved a bypass scheme for Rochdale. Using an EU grant while it is still available, the plan entails digging up any road that leads to Rochdale and routing it around the town. 

Spokesman for the UK Phil McRacken, had this statement on the plans,

“Ever since the vote for Brexit we’ve known we had to rationalise the amount we spend on local authorities. We don’t feel that Rochdale has given us value for money over the years and it’s going to have to fend for itself now. So we’re going to stop people leaving, and prevent people going there. The process will create a few jobs in the town, at least until the moat is filled with petrol. It’s for the best really. We don’t need any more badly tattooed,  poorly educated, Greggs munching, overweight baby machines. We have Oldham for all that.”

But there is a glimmer of hope in the fortunes of the besieged town. It is understood that the third installment of the ‘Escape From’ films, starring Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken will be filmed in Rochdale. The plot is believed to revolve round Plissken rescuing the last pair of orange trainers and trackie bottoms from Sports Direct, then escaping on a horribly beweaponed mobility scooter.

The Herald contacted local pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk for comment on the plans, and he asked our reporter;

“So what are you wearing?”

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High mistress of the underworld, destroyer of souls, collector of small pottery cats. Also one of the country's premier frock enthusiasts.