Apologies for missing last week, but nothing interesting happened in your pathetic lives anyway. And I knew it wouldn’t, so I felt I deserved some time off. Anyway, I’m sick of giving my powers away for free, so you thick scum will have to pay to learn your fate from now on.

Aries ?

You are taking on a whole new personality which I must say is the most unpleasant one I have ever seen. Please think twice about how you talk to loved ones, as you could cause great harm with your spiteful tongue. Your words will be carrying far more weight than you may imagine. A work matter midweek will demand a professional attitude, but your shitwittedness is a barrier to you achieving this. Ring now so I can help you to adopt one. If you don’t, you will suffer.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0871

Calls cost £1.67/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0895.

Phone consultations cost UK£55, US$83 for 20mins, UK£90, US$135 for 40mins.

Taurus ?

A problem that you have experienced with a friend is being blown out of all proportion and you must ask yourself if you would expect to be judged so harshly, should the situation be reversed – and how much of a fifty faced twat you’ve been to them. You may regret any judgement you cast on close ones when this foul and potentially violent mood has passed. Ring now to hear what I think is really behind your attitude, otherwise you’re fucked.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0997

Calls cost 14p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0570.

Phone consultations cost UK£3, US$5 for 20mins, UK£8, US$140 for 40mins.

Gemini ?

Close ones are interfering in what you had thought to be a personal matter. However, they are only trying to show you how deep seated the incestuous history of your family is. The tricky aspect that is occurring this week between Saturn and Venus is going to be making it easy for you to get the wrong end of the stick – especially when it comes to dark skinned folk. Ring now for an alternative view, you racist inbred scum.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0944

Calls cost 30p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0439.

Phone consultations cost UK£30, US$30 for 20mins, UK£67, US$9 for 40mins.

Cancer ?

You don’t appear to have the cash you need to proceed with some rather exotic plans, largely due to you being a fucking moronic pauper. There are alternatives, but a stubborn mood does not seem to allow you to see that – you selfish shit. If you can listen carefully, then you can learn of some new opportunities opening up in a field of work that you have long wanted to be involved in. It will come to nothing, however, you loser. Ring now for insight, or someone you love will die.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0959

Calls cost 98p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Justin over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0901.

Phone consultations cost UK£98, US$4 for 20mins, UK£17, US$192 for 40mins.

Leo ?

If you have to work over the weekend, so be it. Tough shit. I’m sure you will make up for any fun you have missed out on later in the week, but please don’t leave any business matters unfinished or you may have to pay later by performing sexual favours for your boss. Take a new relationship at a slow pace, there is much to be learned and enjoyed by biding your time – not least that they’re a sexual deviant who wants to double-fist you using sand and vaseline as lube. Ring now for more advice, or I’ll come round your house and steal the washing off your clothesline.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0800

Calls cost 77p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 744 0848.

Phone consultations cost UK£9.57, US$64 for 20mins, UK£100, US$100 for 40mins.

Virgo ?

Rumours heard in the workplace look to be true, as you discover at last that the workmate whose semen you swallowed at last year’s xmas party is HIV positive. An offer from a rival company of some sort is not as straightforward as it at first seemed, since moving forward with this deal will involve prostituting your daughter. Call now to hear why I know the rest of your life will be a series of disasters.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0482

Calls cost 7p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0445.

Phone consultations cost UK£154, US$768 for 20mins, UK£9, US$1397 for 40mins.

Libra ?

You are going to have to do some very questionable and depraved things if you are to obtain the extra funds that you are seeking. This will break you emotionally. You and a loved one may be at loggerheads over something that you feel very strongly about, but you are going to have to take it in the ass a little if you are to leave them room to apologise – they will lose all respect for you as a result. Ring now to hear who can’t get you off their mind (clue – it’s a psychopathic loner with an unhealthy fixation).

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0810

Calls cost 77p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0550.

Phone consultations cost UK£57, US$93 for 20mins, UK£93, US$57 for 40mins.

Scorpio ?

The stars are going to be giving you false confidence on Monday so that you think you may sort out the differences you have been experiencing with a loved one. You want control, yet you long to be dominated so it is no wonder close ones get confused. Daddy will drag you back to the cellar you never thought you’d see again. You must try to think a little more before you speak, or you will be punished severely. Ring now to hear why it may be best to listen on Wednesday.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0577

Calls cost £6.85/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0927.

Phone consultations cost UK£555, US$4 for 20mins, UK£78, US$1 for 40mins.

Sagittarius ?

The changes you’ve been waiting for may be a little longer in arriving I’m afraid, as the planets place delays and limitations on us all this week – especially you, you deluded fucktard. Do you really believe you’re exactly the same as 1/12th of the people on this planet? The stars will be revealing our selfish natures on Thursday as you say and do what you want and not what others are waiting for. You self absorbed arsehole. Ring now to hear how this could mess up every relationship you hold dear.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0952

Calls cost 2p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Claire over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0666.

Phone consultations cost UK£4.96, US$8 for 20mins, UK£99, US$1.50 for 40mins.

Capricorn ?

You don’t know what to do about the mess that your love life appears to have gotten into – getting spit roasted by those two sailors will come back to haunt you. Well, whatever your plan, the answer is to get back on the skag until this difficult phase has passed. Keep your mind on paranoid conspiracy theories and not on the feelings of others and you will find out the facts that you seem so determined to uncover. Ring now for more answers or I’ll send the boys round to thrash you within inches of your life.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0977

Calls cost 74p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, click here.

Phone consultations cost UK£712, US$13 for 20mins, UK£9, US$3000 for 40mins.

Aquarius ?

Stop pushing a work contact for information that you are not even sure they have, or they’ll smash your face open with half a house-brick in some doubled up thick dernier stockings. You think you have more power at your fingertips than you realise and a task that you are going to be asked to perform will prove embarrassing and physically painful on Thursday, so hold fire and keep your cool, otherwise you’re in for months of pain. Ring now for clarity in love, or I’ll put a fucking hex on you and your entire family.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0489

Calls cost £6/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0491.

Phone consultations cost UK£1.19, US$9.43 for 20mins, UK£256, US$27 for 40mins.

Pisces ?

This is a very emotional time for you and you may find yourself saying things that you know deep down you don’t really mean. Everyone will take your utterings to heart though and you will be ostracised by your entire social network. If you are trying to test a loved one’s loyalty, then don’t bother. I can assure you they despise every fibre of your being. Money matters are perplexing, but should be made clearer by Friday. Ring now to reveal a secret – don’t get your hopes up though, as I will be revealing which member of your family is a sickening sexual predator.

For Olivia’s in-depth horoscope for this week, call 0909 745 0851

Calls cost 10p/min from a BT landline

To book a private tarot, horoscope or clairvoyant reading with Olivia over the telephone, dial 0909 745 0976.

Phone consultations cost UK£8, US$346 for 20mins, UK£90, US$5 for 40mins.

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