Several newspapers are complaining that today’s kids spend less than half the time playing out as their parents did after a survey from The National trust was published.

After thirty years of saying that every male that isn’t you is clearly a paedophile, immigrants want to sacrifice your kids to Satan and that everything gives you cancer and autism, the papers are baffled as to why kids aren’t encouraged to play out, build dens, and climb trees in the local park.

“You need to kick your kids out or they’ll end up being fat geeks,” claimed one newspaper in an article followed by a warning of Stranger Danger. “Kids lack an appreciation for nature,” said another before warning that a foreign paedophile lurks behind every tree.

“I tried going out and playing Pokemon Go,” said a random kid, “but then I realised that you don’t get to kill foreign soldiers and shit so I went back to playing World Of battle 7 on my Xbox.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.