As hillbillies, rednecks and evangelical Christian right wing crackpots celebrate the last thrashings of America’s hold on reality with the nomination of Pinochet-a-like Donald Trump to the Republican Party presidential ticket, ground shaking revelations about the US Constitution have begun to emerge.

The Constitution of The United States of America was signed at The Philadelphia Convention on September 17th 1787 and was a ground breaking civil rights charter that defined the framework of government for a new democratic nation.

However the 2nd amendment wasn’t added to the constitution until 1791.

“Wut?” Cleotus Smithnwesson the third, a Trump supporter carrying an Armalite outside the Republican Party Conference asked last night when we told him the Constitution could be be changed.

He went on to say “I thought it was written in stone by God on Mount Everest in Kentucky and given to Ronald Reagan to show the Israelists who was boss. You aten’t no wetback, n*****r loving libtard are ya?” whilst thumbing the safety catch of his semi-automatic assault rifle, so we decided not to push him any further.

The Constitution has been amended, changed, modified or augmented 27 times in order to improve it, a fact the NRA are keen to keep quiet.

Gun owners across the country, when told what the word amendment meant, unanimously said “no it doesn’t, it means my God given right to an opinion and an automatic rifle, now f**k off.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.


    • Yeah, speaking as a big fan of the First Amendment, I’m reluctant to open up the Bill of Rights.
      (But what this article misses is that amendments are as much a part of the Constitution as the 1787 original. And have the same force. And can change the 1787 document just as they can other amendments.)

    • It’s disgusting living in the U.K., there’s no freedom, anytime I’m having a bad day or suffering from a serious psychological condition and want to make myself feel better by popping down to the local primary school with an A.R 15 to make the innocent pay for my mistakes, then these pesky, restrictive laws on firearms ownership get in the way. America has the right idea, let your kids bleed to death in freedom and liberty, fuck yeah!

    • We have a constitution. It is composed of acts of Parliament, judicial rulings, and various conventions, all of which can change quite often. It is not cast in stone, or written in some biblical tome, and so hitting someone on the head with it would be impractical.

    • Jonathan Prince, in all seriousness, I’ve lived in the middle of a major American city for over 20 years and never seen a gun not carried by the police. The notion that it’s the Wild West over here (I’ve heard of Europeans afraid to come visit for fear of being shot) is frankly Eurocentric bullcrap.

      Not denying it’s a big, big problem. And I would never call the U.K. unfree, let alone a shithole. I was agreeing with Rob about the First Amendment. In theory – again, in theory – there’s been nothing to stop your Parliament from doing whatever it wanted until very recently. (I know you have some sort of supreme court now, but on the other hand where does it’s authority derive from? A written constitution that has more force than ordinary legislation is helpful. The U.K. seems to be managing reasonably well without one, but that’s rare….)

    • John Hyde when the countries actually responsible for colonization are willing to take back the European diaspora they inflicted on the rest of the world (and to recognize that they gave some Europeans damn good reasons to get out of “civilization”), they’ll have the right to criticize us for being here.

    • Wild West lol? Why do you Brits tolerate burglars who shit on their floors? That said my main point was that the first amendment, which makes the US a bastion of free speech, can be repealed by a new amendment. Just remember that telling me to “fuck off knobhead” may be construed as a grossly offensive message, which could be against UK internet/comnunications law. Something that we look on as ridiculous in the US.

    • If you’re referring to freedom of the press, Michael Stevens, that existed in the colonies before the Revolution (see the Zenger case); what a written, difficult-to-amend constitution does is protect such rights against infringement by a parliamentary majority, by giving courts a legal basis for saying, “No, this act of Parliament is illegal and invalid.” So long as Britain doesn’t have that, you can’t actually take for granted any of your rights, at least in theory; didn’t Thatcher try to limit press freedom?
      I’ve been saying since Trump was elected that checks and balances would protect us from dictatorship, and British people have been ridiculing me for it. But thus far, the separation of powers (and state governments that are fairly autonomous) have worked. It really would be a lot easier to legally establish a dictatorship in the U.K. Not that I’m wishing that on you.