Historians and aristocrats across Europe today are a little embarassed by the news that the last 100 years of geo-political manoeuvring is all down to a bit of a “misunderstanding”.

Textile curators at Rochdale’s world famous Haberdashery Museum have found what has just been confirmed as a suicide note in what are being described as “Archduke Ferdinand’s spare pair of smart trousers.”

Moustache enthusiast and pre-hipster hipster Archduke Franz Ferdinand

It was previously believed that Archduke Franz Ferdinand, made famous by the synonymous UK Indy Britpop Songsters Franz Ferdinand, was assassinated by Bosnian separatists in the former provincial Bosnian capital of the Austro-Hungarian Empire Sarajevo sparking what some have described as a “hellish conflagration of nations” and is now thought to have resulted in the deaths of at least a billion people in two world wars.


The note reads;

Dear World,

Don’t play pop music. You know I hate pop music. Just sing amazing godless grace. Don’t wear bright colours. You know I hate bright colours.I never liked you for the way you dressed anyway.

Goodbye lovers and friends, so sad to leave you When they lie and say “This is not the end” you can laugh as if we’re still together and you can laugh about it all.

I hope you didn’t bring flowers. Hope you didn’t write a poem. Hope you remember every fight. I know I could be noxious or occasionally cruel.But only to the ones I loved.

Goodbye lovers and friend. Don’t get inventory. Don’t fake your memory. Don’t give me virtues that I never had. Don’t get sychophantal. We never were sentimental

I know I took more than I ever gave.
I don’t need to be forgiven. But a moment from the living. That’s the only thing I ask. Goodbye lovers and friends, you can laugh as if we’re still together but this really is the end.

Yours faithfully,

Archduke Franz Ferdinand

The death of Archduke Ferdinand started a war between the Austro-Hungarian Empire and Serbia and precipitated an “unfortunate chain reaction of un-diplomatic incidents” according to an insider who has yet to read The Chilcot Report.

While the reasons why Ferdinand took his own life in Sarajevo are still unclear the Austro-Hungarian Empire have yet to issue an apology for the cock up.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.