Aries

Beware people driving silver Vauxhaul Vectras early in the week – they mean you harm and will go out of their way to inflict serious injuries upon your person. Strike first if you can and try to run them off the road whenever possible.

On Wednesday, an auto-erotic asphyxiation experiment will end tragically for a close friend and you will discover that it was a belt they borrowed from you shortly before xmas that ultimately caused their death. You will deeply regret not asking for it back last time you popped round for a cuppa.

At the weekend, you will be drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a suspected nonce who is attempting to befriend you in order to gain access to your circle of friends. Do not make friends with any suspected nonces this weekend, as this will result in a shameful incident involving breakfast cereal.

Taurus

Anal insertion of glass bottles is not a good idea before Wednesday – the bottles will inevitably shatter and cause horrendous internal bleeding. This should be a perfectly safe from Thursday onwards though, so fill your boots.

Thursday night won’t be good for you however, because an intruder will break into your home and jizz all over your drawers then steal your mother’s ashes. All of your underwear will be left dripping with come, so you might want to replace the whole lot. It won’t be pretty.

Things will take an even bigger turn for the worse at the weekend, when the polio-stricken homeless beggar at the bottom of your street that you’ve been ignoring for the last five months bursts into a macabre frenzy of violence and rips you limb from limb.

Gemini

On Monday, your remaining parent will disown you after discovering your secret stash of amputee dwarf pornography. Your entire family will be disgusted and never speak to you again.

Mid-week, you will ignore all previous advice and run with scissors – leading to a horrific facial injury which will likely result in partial blindness. Your short stay in hospital will be unpleasant and uncomfortable.

You will be released at the weekend, but come home to find that your house has been taken over by aggressive squatters who have daubed your outer walls in slogans stating that ‘Hitler was right’ and ‘Lizards run the world’.

Cancer

A close relative will uncover your deepest, darkest secret on Tuesday and all hell will break loose. Everyone you know will be horrified and you will become a social pariah; living on the outskirts of humanity and suffering from a complete mental breakdown.

By Thursday you will have nowhere to turn and feel like everyone you once loved has abandoned you. They have. There is no coming back from this, so prepare yourself for a short life of pain and misery.

On Saturday, you will become involved in a brawl over a can of sarsaparilla which ultimately leads to your arrest and subsequent long-term stay in a mental health facility. Big John will make you his bitch and you will suffer years of excruciating backdoor penetration.

Leo

Don’t leave the house all week. Seriously. Just don’t. It really isn’t worth it.

Virgo

Love is in the air for you this week, but it’s not what you wanted. A stalker’s unhealthy obsession with you will escalate to the point of sexual violence and you will be subjected to a series of harrowing experiences involving kitchen utensils.

By Thursday, you will feel nothing but shame and blame yourself for your ordeal. Your external injuries will seem superficial compared to your mental scars.

On Saturday, your captor will move you into his reinforced and soundproofed cellar permanently. It’s not all doom and gloom though – you will develop a short lived relationship with a rat you name Keith.

Libra

On Tuesday, your anal fissure is certain to become infected and cause you agonising pain. All movement will become excruciating and even drawing breath will cause you to question whether topping yourself is the way forward.

By mid-week, clots of pus-filled blood will be regularly dropping from your sphincter and soiling your clothing – leading to several embarrassing incidents. You will be banned from Greggs for life.

On Sunday you will be mistaken for a minor celebrity and assaulted with a monkey wrench by a man called Stuart. Paramedics attending the scene will openly mock you and touch you like Barry from down the road used to.

Scorpio

Early in the week, you will awake to a baying mob outside your house, who are burning an effigy of you. This will be constructed largely from empty pop bottles and dog hair. The angry gathering will chant aggressively in an unrecognisable dialect.

Come Wednesday your psoriasis will flare up, causing almost your whole body to become covered in itchy, red, scaly skin. Strangers will point at you and laugh dirisively.

Your entire weekend will be consumed by the inability to stop the words from Nick Berry’s 1986 pop hit ‘Every Loser Wins’ going round endlessly in your head. There will be no escape from this and any efforts of resistance will prove futile – as will your attempt at suicide.

Sagittarius

Monday will find you dredging up memories of how Daddy used to thrash you with his studded leather belt when he couldn’t get his way with your Mother. You will take out your anger on someone you care about; thus perpetuating the cycle of violence.

On Thursday, at work, you will make a decision based on instinct that will lead to several unpleasant deaths. Nobody will realise that you were responsible, but you will never escape the guilt.

By the weekend you will find it increasingly difficult to live with the suffering you have inflicted upon others through your own stupidity. A knife attack will temporarily distract you from these thoughts, but not for long.

Capricorn

Early in the week you will find out that your local newsagent is in fact a predatory serial sex offender with a long history of attacks on vulnerable adults, but threats made toward your family will compel you to cover this knowledge up.

Mid-week, you will be approached by a man who knows the intricate details of your sordid past. He’ll offer no explanation as to how he came to possess this knowledge, but leave you with the warning, ‘I’ll be watching you – every second of every day’.

On Saturday, your amateur dramatic production will end in disaster. A terrifying blaze will rip through the community centre, leaving those of you lucky enough to survive with painful third degree burns.

Aquarius

On Tuesday your mother will be released from her lengthy spell in prison, but this will not go down well with the neighbours, who fear for the lives of their children. She gave your address to her parole officer though, so you have no choice but to put her up in your spare room.

A chance meeting with an old acquaintance will lead to you convert to Scientology on Wednesday/Thursday. This new way of life will bring anguish and torment as you struggle with the very nature of what you perceive to be reality.

At the weekend, you should avoid women at all costs. Some adder with udders or other will attempt to take your life with a rusty handmade shiv. Stay away from branches of Tesco too – a potentially devastating secret from your past will be uncovered should you enter one.

Pisces

Engagement in any form of social interaction early in the week will end in anxiety and and self doubt. People just don’t like you – it’s as simple as that. Those you think of as friends secretly abhor everything about you and your beliefs.

On Wednesday, the belt of your dressing gown will be caught in the door as you go to put the bins out, causing you to expose yourself to a group of school-children. By the evening, a group of parents will have put up hastily photoshopped posters of you around town, warning people that you’re a kiddy fiddler.

On Sunday, a trip to the local pub for lunch with your family will end in violence. At some point human faeces will be thrown in your face. Upon your return home, you will find the word ‘paedo’ scrawled across your window and a large puddle of urine on your doorstep.

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