As the race for the Tory Party Leadership heats up, Teresa May has today announced transformative economic reform plans for the Northern Powerhouse.
The ambitious plans to boost the UK textile industry in “grim northern towns” like Rochdale have been met warmly by both struggling mill owners and unemployed child labourers alike. The first workhouse producing coats made from the pelts of Dalmatian puppies will open in Rochdale in 2017 if Mrs May is “elected” to the leadership of the Tory party.
“There aren’t enough jobs for peasants and children in the North now that the mines are closed.” Said an anonymous government spokesperson, “we are committed to regeneration in the North and with these plans can fully expect to see textile production reach the giddy heights of the 1898 boom years.”The move is being heralded as a welcome boost to agriculture in the regions with huge investments in puppy production across the North.
“Puppies make the softest coats.” A source close to Mrs May’s office reportedly said. “They’re also tastiest if they’re garnished with the tears of the young.”
Salford College is running a fashion design competition for the new “De Ville” line of coats which will be judged by pop icon Lady Gaga.