There were scenes of creaky jubilation on Rochdale’s decaying high street as crowds celebrated the return of retail giant Blockbuster.

Rochdale’s elderly population had turned out en masse at the voting booths to vote against any unnecessary technological progress.

“I just can’t get to grips with my Amazon Firestick” said Ethel 76 from Falinge, Rochdale, “where do the cassettes go?”

People queued for hours

The move is expected to create three jobs in the town and is being heralded as the beginning of a new golden age for Rochdale’s consumers.

“Things were just better before,” said Winifred, 87 of Langley.

We were met with blank silence when we asked “before when” but our researcher, Douglas, has seen Ken Loach’s classic Rochdale documentary Raining Stones and can confirm that it was definitely before 1993.

“The people have spoken” said John Antioco former multi-millionaire Chairman of Blockbuster video.”I said streaming services wouldn’t work back in 2000 when I turned down Netflix. We’re only stocking Betamax in Rochdale.”

Rochdale’s beleaguered MP and serial text pest Simon Danczuk has announced a multi-hundred pound regeneration scheme with hopes to bring back high street leading lights including C&A, Freeman Hardy Willis and Fine Fare.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.