Aries

On Monday, dreamy Neptune makes it’s annual journey through the choppy waters of Pisces and enters your twelfth house, so put aside any thoughts of socialising – otherwise you’ll be bitterly disappointed and likely end up out of pocket. Your week should be spent in introspective self examination. Identify the problematic aspects of your personality and think carefully about how they impact upon others.

On Tuesday, love planet Venus snuggles up to cozy Cancer, but this doesn’t bode well for you. Your love life will be strained and full of paranoid indecision, possibly leading to a dramatic showdown by Wednesday.

Friday and Saturday should be spent on Feng Shui, as your cluttered house is having an unpleasant effect on your mental wellbeing. Make sure your bed is accessible from both sides, otherwise you will be riddled with regret.

Taurus

Have a long hard think about who your real friends are – one of them is guaranteed to disappoint you greatly this week. Trust nobody.

If a negative Nellie is bringing you down, jettison them from your life. This will most likely be a workmate, so tread carefully in your job and beware false smiles – someone has it in for you, even though they will pretend they’re on your side.

Your grounded earth sign is usually all about security and commitment, but by the time the week is out you will despair at the lack of continuity in your life. On Sunday, doubt and uncertainty will become all encompassing, so it’s probably best to avoid human interaction.

Gemini

Neptune is currently in it’s annual U-turn, which will last until November 19th, meaning months of misery and unsure thoughts regarding your family and their intentions toward you. This week is just the beginning of a lengthy period of pain.

By Wednesday you will start to wonder who you can believe. Nothing is certain, other than the fact that someone close to you bears a grudge and will use past indiscretions against you, so be wary.

Later in the week you may feel that things are starting to appear positive, but don’t be fooled – nobody has your best interests at heart and deceit will play a large part in your life. Be especially careful around dog owners.

Cancer

Neptune’s retrograde into your ninth house means nothing but problems for you this week. Monday will start bad and eventually worsen. It will be a good idea to stay indoors, as perilous obstacles will haunt your every move should you venture out.

Wednesday will be no better, as a trusted friend will betray you and undermine relationships with people you believed you were close to.

Things may seem to look up by Friday, but not for long – a tragedy will strike that calls everything you hold dear into question. Loved ones will become distant and cold, causing you to question the very fabric of your reality.

Leo

This week will send you down an ultimately fruitless erotic rabbit hole. Your desires will not be fulfilled and your partner will let you down in the worst way possible.

Thursday will see an unpleasant and long lasting injury come your way, which may involve industrial equipment or possibly a vehicle. Try to avoid machinery – any interaction will end in pain and suffering.

It would be unwise to go out with friends or workmates this weekend as a dark secret is set be revealed which will most likely result in physical violence, so avoid this at all costs.

Depressing thoughts and negativity will engulf you on Sunday and you will feel that you have nobody to turn to for help or support – you haven’t, so don’t try.

Virgo

Neptune’s five month retrograde into Pisces will affect your seventh house of partnership – meaning someone you are close to will betray you. This could send you into a downward spiral of misery, so tread carefully early in the week.

By mid-week, uncertainty will pervade your life in earnest, causing you to ask what your place in the world is and whether you have ever truly achieved anything of worth in your existence on this planet. You will not find the answers you are looking for.

You will be invited to a party or gathering at the weekend but it would be unwise to attend, as it will lead to unpleasant facts being revealed which could have damaging effects on your psyche. Stay at home, alone, and cogitate on who your true friends are – there aren’t many.

Libra

Neptune spins into your sixth house of wellness on Monday and you should question your gluttonous, unhealthy lifestyle. It is likely you will ignore the warning signs and continue on the hedonistic path you have followed for too long now. A health scare is imminent, so beware.

Wednesday will be the bringer of bad news and financial troubles will dominate your thoughts. Someone is stealing from you and it isn’t who you would expect.

A planned family outing on Friday/Saturday should be avoided at all costs as a tragedy involving water will befall a loved one. Stay at home and this may be avoided, although this is not without risk either – structural damage to your home is highly likely and you will end up paying out a fortune because you aren’t covered by insurance.

Scorpio

Descending to the depths of respectability is a Scorpio speciality and this week will be no different. Also, Neptune’s entry into your fifth house of glamour, romance and creativity will have a devastating effect on these aspects of your life. You will start to doubt the importance of your existence and your relationships with others.

By Thursday you will be crippled with self loathing and enter an existential abyss. Your working life will be incredibly problematic and you will come to realise that you are not respected by your colleagues.

Family should be avoided at the weekend, although a dark and troubling secret which has long stayed hidden will come to light regardless. This is likely to result in criminal proceedings and will last well into next year.

Sagittarius

You will feel the need to spread your wings on Monday, but should resist this urge as it will end in disaster. If you pursue such ideas, then you must prepare yourself for pain and disappointment.

By Wednesday someone you thought was a close friend will hurt you and your loved ones. This is not something you will shake off easily and you should be ready for months of suffering. Those you could normally turn to for support will abandon you.

The weekend will not be kind to you – avoid any kind of manual labour as the likelihood of serious injury is high. A hospital visit is a distinct possibility. Your family pet is also likely to die in harrowing circumstances.

Capricorn

Neptune makes an about turn in intuitive Pisces on Monday, affecting your social third house in dramatic and potentially horrific ways. You will start to obsess over your relationships with others to the point where your simplest decisions are affected and your doubt causes you to make false accusations against someone who means you no harm.

Wednesday will bring an unexpected and devastating death, meaning misery and suffering for your whole circle of friends. Nothing can prepare you for the trauma you will be forced to endure.

Just as you begin to think things couldn’t get any worse, the weekend will see you forced to make an impossible decision affecting those closest to you. There is no chance of a positive outcome – you simply must live with your choice.

Aquarius

Neptune will affect your second house of work and money on Monday, leading you to question your financial stability. Things aren’t looking good on this front and it is best that you prepare for hardship.

You will set goals for yourself midweek, in an attempt to stave off your concerns, but these will prove pointless and ultimately damaging, not only to yourself, but also those you care for. Your decision making will be impaired, so do not trust your instincts.

Friday will be fraught with anger and resentment, due to a close friend sharing secrets with the last person you would want them to. A shopping trip is guaranteed to result in a shameful incident you will have to cope with for the rest of your life.

Pisces

Neptune’s annual reversal, which occurs in your sign this year and lasts until November 19th, will force you to take stock of your life and relationships. This will result in bad blood being spilled and irreparable damage to long lasting friendships.

Mid-week should be a time to get jobs done and catch up on things you have been meaning to deal with for a long time, but the precarious nature of your grip on reality will cause you to abandon your plans and indulge in heavy drinking and self-recrimination.

The week will end as it started – badly. A long planned activity you were looking forward to will be cancelled at short notice, leading to a fractious outcome. Sunday will be best spent in bed thinking about the poor decisions you have made recently.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.